A letter to myself, many years ago...

We had an assignment in my Psychology class today.

We were instructed to think over our own adolescence. "To recall the worries, concerns, fears we had back then. Focus in on the worries, the fears you would have had and how you would have viewed as different with your existing experience. Now, consider what advice you would give yourself, in the form of a letter."

I sat back and tried to reflect back on any of the negative memories that left an indelible mark on my self-esteem and found it came down to two experiences: encountering racism and being called ugly due to my ethnic features.

For a child, I could not fathom the reasons as to why other children would be hurling the "Jap" card at me or make the generic small eyes move with their fingers, pulling the skin taut and upwards. Calling me Bruce Lee or Chuck Norris. What exactly was it about me that prompted these slurs. I felt ugly because kids were continuously pointing out that my eyes were small, nose too flat, and boys never seemed to return any sort of interest. My random crush in Jr. High went no where. Rejection that becomes redundant also becomes acceptance. So soon thereafter, I blamed my looks.

I blamed my looks again in High School.

Sure, I had admirers in my later years, but I always assumed they were there for my piano performances. Not for me, as a girl. Boyfriends? Never. In fact, I felt I was destined to be single and resigned to the fact that I was a tomboy, not feminine enough.

Had to blame my ugliness again in College. Never mind that my gay friends told me I would have been the quintessential gay man.

It wasn't until the last ten years where I've grown slowly to appreciate my classic Japanese features.

I'm still a work in progress, that is for sure, and I'll continue learning as much as I can until I'm dead.


To myself:

I hope that when you read this that you are not enmeshed in a pile of emotional rubbish that seems to acquire itself over time.

I understand, however, if you are staring at those very remnants around your feet, weighing you down.

It is rather complicated given your overall good nature and giving heart. Those types of mental burdens seem to seek you out. Remember the old adage of good things come to those who wait? Well, it is true, but with some consequences that you will be forced to experience. I mean, that is the reason as to why these situations even exist, right? We learn from the good. We learn from the bad.

One? Racism.

Growing up in a racist community did not do anything other than make you stronger. Sure, the consistent slurs thrown your way were not grand, but neither were the lips from hence they were strewn. The absence of diversity and lack of education is just a reflection on the parents of such children. They really did not know what was happening. I am here to tell you that your self-esteem has been left intact despite it accumulating over time. I have already accepted the fact that the parents were to blame for allowing their children to treat others with blatant and cruel disrespect. Your methods in dealing with the numerous incidents have done you well, as I’ve had no problems adjusting to life in the large city where diversity rules, not based on the racist attitudes of a few. So chin up. Life is too short. You will encounter discrimination and not understand where it stems from but you will just have to accept them as a part of societal ignorance. What you do not have to do, is let the sour experiences stall your walk in life. If anything, the experiences with racism will make you stronger to forge ahead on your path of personal growth.

You are not ugly.

I know.

I know the feeling of not being accepted because your eyes were too small or lacking in the general attributes of being Caucasian. That the heavy lidded look did not do well competing with the perky eyed girls on Teen magazine. These were indicators of ethnicity, not about you as a person. I know the pains you are going to experience through the eyes of others. You are going to shape that to your advantage by playing up your personality: being positive, curious, and optimistic. Ignore the boys who make fun of you in English class. They know not what they do. The crush you form on a certain boy who consistently ignores you? It is not because you are ugly. It is because everyone has a preference and it has nothing to do with you. Don’t worry. A year later, you two will forge a friendship in Biology class as lab partners. You may not believe it, but you will be voted two years in a row for being the class clown in High School. You will also be voted as having the best personality. Your humor is what will shine through. Your positivity. So what if no one in High School noticed it. So what if no one recognized you in college. I am here to tell you that whatever you do will be fine. What has been shunted as the ugly kid in the class evolves for you in the future into something brighter. No boys? Fast forward into fantastic dating experiences in your thirties.

Fantastic.

I can assure you that you will not have any problems having a guy fall for you. When you enter the room, they will recognize your smile. Your laugh? A mark in their memory, or so I've been told. Your eyes that you’ve felt all these years were too small are what is deemed attractive by many. I can tell you that. Even during visits to Japan, people have admired the classical form of your eyes.

You are strong. You are beautiful. You are your own person.

This will be many years forthcoming and despite the bad experiences, you will have done well, because I am well now.

I am you.